Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize
