This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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