just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
