The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
