Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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