Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
