turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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