I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
