He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
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Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
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I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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