I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
