soooo we both peed the bed last night...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Randomize
