i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
