my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
