Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i will never coherently bang her
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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