tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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