My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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