I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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