She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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