i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
