So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
