the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
