Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
