I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
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I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
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It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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