My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
