In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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