There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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