i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
