I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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