you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Your penis caused this!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
