I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
