Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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