apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
