you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
