so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
