My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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