i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize