dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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