I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
