Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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