what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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