Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
