so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
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Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
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when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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