Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
