Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
