You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
