I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
