why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
