So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
