I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
