i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
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What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
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He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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