I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
