If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
