I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Your shirt... Was in my pants
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
