we have officially lost it.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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