Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
