i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
