Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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