there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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